爱上海

爱上海

五年级优秀作文及点评一句道歉

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时间:

2014-05-21

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【easyproofreading.com--五年级】

“门口的师傅……请往里走……下班高峰……人多拥挤……再往后挤挤……”售票员阿姨嗓音嘶哑,焦急地喊着。

人真多啊!连站脚的空儿都没有了,紧挨车门的乘客快要被挤成“相片”了。好不容易关上车门,车子启动了,在车辆和人流中穿梭。车厢内的乘客晃来晃去,站立不稳。

“哎哟……哎哟……哟……”阿姨狠狠地瞪着小伙子。

小伙子头上戴着耳机,一只手抓着栏杆,一只手插在口袋里,若无其事地左右摇晃,没有理睬。

阿姨顿时火冒三丈,大声嚷嚷:“你哑巴啦?你妈没教你说人话吗?”

“你说谁呢?我揍你,信不信?” 那位小伙子拔掉耳塞,转身瞪大眼睛。

“你踩了我的脚,连句道歉的话都不会说,还敢打人?”

“车子晃动,我有什么办法,踩你,活该!”两人针锋相对。

“对不起,两位同志都住嘴吧,这事怨我照顾不周,车子确实不稳。”售票员赶紧挤过来,连连赔不是。

“能坐一辆车也是缘分……照应着点儿……毕竟踩了阿姨的脚……都宽容点儿,不就没事儿了嘛……。”乘客们七嘴八舌地议论。

“踩了,就是踩了,车子晃来晃去的,能怪我吗……”

“哎……哎……你怎么能这样说话呢……那是我不对了?”

“……对不起……您消消气,我替他向您道歉”

“哼!”

一声“对不起”平息了一场“战争”,车厢里又安静下来。

点评:公交车里拥挤情况的描写很到位,尤其是“快要被挤成相片了”,但结尾有些仓促,不深刻。怎样平息的战争,通过这件事又能反映什么问题这两点写得不够。

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